Day 10

Received a letter from Scottish & Southern Energy (SSE) rambling on about an expired price contract and how they will be increasing my electricity prices by 35% (if I agree) or 50% (if I don’t). Phoned SSE to discuss, and be put on different non-punitive residential tariff. SSE want to ‘know the name of the business’ – eh? – what business?

It transpires that the Gubbermint have stipulated that anyone using more than about 12,000 units p.a. must be a ‘business’. Lengthy explanation that there is a largish country house with no oil or gas heated entirely by ground source heat pump (i.e. electricity) evidently failed to impress SSE operative, who clearly suspected foul play. Put on hold (again). SSE inquisitor comes on line; how many people live at the property/how many rooms/etc? Apparent that SSE now see themselves as some new breed of ‘electrical inquisition’.

SSE inquisitor told to get stuffed; this is not a ‘request’, it is an ‘instruction’. Name taken for subsequent Ombudsman complaint. SSE inquisitor sarcastically asks if there is anything else she can ‘help’ with....... well, yes, I am getting quite ill with cancer and am a potentially vulnerable customer; what help is available?

Stunned silence. Pages audibly turn in customer service manual, but by this stage there is no help for now beleaguered SSE operative; er, no, sorry, er, I mean, if you were a 'person'...

It seems that we are in another Little Britain sketch; because of my higher than average electricity bill, I am not a ‘person’ but a ‘business’, which cannot get cancer, because everyone knows only people (not businesses) get cancer. Computer says so.

Memo to Oncologist: Are you sure I have cancer? – SSE telephone triage indicates otherwise.

Memo to SSE: Shocking. This is a total PR disaster.